Monday, 21 December 2009

Fuck Killing In The Name, what are we sending to Number One next Christmas?

OK, so we got Rage Against The Machine to the top of the Christmas singles chart - but let's not get complacent. If we're to silence the critics who are citing the tradition of novelty festive number ones, and painting Zack De La Rocha as a kind of politically-conscious Mr Blobby, we have to make sure this isn't a one-off. We have to prove that this was not just one in the eye for Simon Cowell or a neat illustration of the potential of grassroots marketing through social media, but evidence of a real alternative that can do what the fuck it likes - with nothing more than 79p and impeccable taste. That's why Manflet is already making suggestions for Christmas Number One 2010:

Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Appeals to the same generation that backed Killing In The Name: old enough to remember when the seasonal chart-topper was less of a shoe-in (if no less shit) than during the Xmas Factor era, but young enough to care what happens next year; with plenty of free time to spend on Facebook and, because we usually illegally download our music, loads of spare cash to waste on tracks we already own. And as with De La Rocha's, um, rage, Kurt Cobain lends a voice to our frustration with the music industry, his refrain "here we are now / entertain us" throwing down the gauntlet to whatever chump Cowell is fast-tracking to fame at the time.

Radiohead - Creep
Ticks all the same boxes as Nirvana, but with the added bonus that the songwriter is still around to enter into intelligent debate. And just like RATM, Radiohead are likely to lend the campaign some gravitas by dedicating proceeds to some charity that you and I are too selfish to donate to. Plus, can you imagine what fun the YouTube mentals could have making video clips of Simon Cowell mouth along to the lyrics "I'm a creep / I'm a weirdo"? LOL!

Peaches - Jump On Santa's Sleigh (Fuck The Pain Away)
Get this: we get Peaches to re-record her filthcore electroclassic with radio friendly lyrics about reindeers and snowmen and shit. She ditches the merkin and shaves her armpits and we market her as Lady Gaga's older, less edgy sister. Next, we book her on Wogan's Radio 2 show for a chat and a live performance. Take it away Peaches: FUCK THE PAIN AWAY FUCK THE PAIN AWAY FUCK THE PAIN AWAY...


RJ said...

As long as Nick doesn't have a say, I think we'll be relatively safe ;)

I have to say- Killing in the Name is such a perfect (from a wide-demographic-appeal + appropriate sentiment) choice it'd be hard to beat...

bri said...

Get Gorgoroth to cover We Three Kings ("Myrrh is mine/ its bitter perfume/ breathes a life of gathering gloom/ Sorrowing, sighing/ Bleeding, dying/ Sealed in a stone cold tomb"), and you might have a hit.

small said...

I'm gonna have to keep voting for Cliff

"In a society filled with individuals the only way to truly be free is to run with the pack" Gary Glitter

Seriously though nobody else seems to know how to write a christmas song, if RATM had of really been serious about Christmas no1 they should have re-recorded some lyrics, made the song about denying the oppression of Santa needing everyone to be good all the time.
"those that lie, I'm justified, to give them coal and watch the children cry"...."I'm santa and you'll do what I tell you"

I'm gonna keep voting Cliff, at least until the remaining members of Nirvana add a key change before the last refrain of "hello hello hello"

swat_team_661 said...

Smells Like Teen Spirit!!!!

Tom said...

Rather than Smells Like Teen Spirit, can I suggest Rape Me by Nirvana?

Still a great band, still a great song. More Christmassy though.

James Glazebrook said...

As ever, Charlie Brooker's said it better:

The bloody genius.

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